That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
In other news, I just burned my penis
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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