how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
