the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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