I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
