I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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