she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
