I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
