just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
