just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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