Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
