My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
