I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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