people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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