we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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