I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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