I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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