Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
