when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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