Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
