my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
