I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
