Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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