I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
