Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
