i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
