Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
FUCK WHALES
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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