Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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