his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
