Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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