I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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