The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
