Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
