Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
