Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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