Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
