Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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