Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
