At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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