i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
