My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
