So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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