I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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