bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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