wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
