Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize