im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
