If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
