Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
