Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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