Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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